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Memorable Quotes from Billy Madison

Billy Madison: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Juanita: Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
Billy Madison movie quotes

Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.

Billy Madison: Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

Billy Madison: Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

Frank: When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
Billy Madison movie quotes

Knibb High Principal: Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I am just gonna snap.

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?
Billy Madison movie quotes

Brian Madison: Oh, Billy Billy boy. When are you gonna find what ever it is you're looking for?
Billy Madison: Here's a nice piece of shit.

Veronica Vaughn: So it's um, the last day of 3rd grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy Madison: Well I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.

Rollo The Janitor: [from his spying notes] Miss Lippy's Car is Green!

Billy Madison: You want some of this milk, Sideburns?
Rollo the Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.
Billy Madison movie quotes

Billy Madison: [shouting] Where's my snack pack?
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.

Billy Madison: Billy-Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

Billy Madison: [drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole.
Billy Madison movie quotes

[Billy Madison is having big party for passing 2nd grade]
Eric: [very stressed out] Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?
Carl: You know, everyone's having a good time except you.
[a girl is now trying to reach into Eric's suit jacket]
Eric: [shoeing her away] Spoiled snot. Get outta here!
Billy Madison movie quotes

Frank: Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

Dog on TV: Speak for yourself, Moron!
Billy Madison: Ha ha ha, oh my GOD that is funny!

Kid: You got a misshaped head.
Billy Madison: Thank you.

Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.

Frank: I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo.
Jack: Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco.
Frank: Polo. Man, that was a great game.

Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Frank: 1974.
Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.
Billy Madison movie quotes

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