[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
Harry: Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
Lloyd: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.
Lloyd: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary: Well, that's pretty difficult to say.
Lloyd: Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance.
Harry: Nice set of hooters you got there!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Harry: The owls! They're beautiful!
Mary: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?
Harry: Well I got a few things to take care of. So how about we make it quarter to eight?
Mary: [Laughs] Stop it
Harry: Okay. Seven forty-five
Harry: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.
State Trooper: Pullover!
Harry: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots man!
Harry: I can't believe it.
Lloyd: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Harry: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.
Lloyd: Not if you count the gurgling sound.
Lloyd: [sees framed newspaper article about moon landing] No Way!
Lloyd: WE LANDED ON THE MOON!
[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
Mental: Gas man. How the hell did they know that I got gas?
Mrs. Neugeboren: Where have you been? My dogs were supposed to be here FORTY minutes ago! Now, I hardly have any time to primp them!
Harry: Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Noogieburger.
Mrs. Neugeboren: NEUGEBOREN!
Harry: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Dale's Man: They're driving an '84... Sheepdog.
Lloyd: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Lloyd: [to motorcycle cop] Tic-Tac, sir?
Beth: So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next?
Lloyd: No and I DON'T CARE!
Lloyd: We don't usually pick up hitchhikers... but I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up partner!
[checking Harry & Lloyd's apartment]
Mental: Briefcase ain't here, they must've taken it with them.
J.P. Shay: Well, he's gotta come home sometime.
Mental: Maybe we should trash the place, send them a little message.
J.P. Shay: [looks around] I don't think he's gonna get that message Joe, I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.
Lloyd: She says, "Do you love me?" and I say, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."