Tommy: I l-left a message.
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]
Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.
Richard Hayden: Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.
Michelle: Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.
Richard Hayden: You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors.
[Richard's car is destroyed by a deer]
Richard Hayden: No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
Tommy: I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... *awesome*.
[bursts out laughing]
Tommy: ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.
Tommy: D+?... Oh, my God... I passed! I passed! Oh, man!
Tommy: I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate!
[hugging a stranger]
Tommy: I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward.
Tommy: I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate! Give me five!
Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.
Ray Zalinsky: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."
Richard Hayden: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy: No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]
'No' Manager: No.
'No' Manager: No.
Tommy: Gotcha. Thanks.
'No' Manager: [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.
Tommy: Terrific! Thanks for your time.
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel
Tommy: into a goddamned bridge abutment.
Tommy: Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
Tommy: Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spanky.
Tommy: Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.
Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
[motioning at his stomach]