Mugatu: They're break-dance fighting.
Derek Zoolander: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
Larry Zoolander: Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.
Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
Derek Zoolander: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
Billy Zane: It's a walk-off!
Derek Zoolander: Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?
Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you.
Hansel: I friggin' worship you, man.
Hansel: So I'm repelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
Derek Zoolander: I'm not an ambi-turner.
Hansel: I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.
Hansel: Taste my pain, bitch!
Matilda: What time is it?
Derek Zoolander: Almost five.
Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."
Hansel: What's the dealio, yo?
[Derek sees his reflection in a puddle]
Derek Zoolander: Who am I?
[the reflection speaks back]
Derek Zoolander: I don't know.
Derek Zoolander: At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking.
Mugatu: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
Billy Zane: Hey, Derek, back on top, man.
Derek Zoolander: Thanks, Billy. You rock.
Billy Zane: No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?
Derek Zoolander: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry I was wack.
Derek Zoolander: Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.
Hansel: You is talking loco and I like it!
[a judge is needed for the "walk-off"]
David Bowie: If nobody has any objections, I believe I might be of service.
Maury Ballstein: I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
Matilda: When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Derek Zoolander: Ew!
Derek Zoolander: Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."
Matilda: Do what for a career?
Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.
[Talking about the files]
Hansel: They're *in* the computer?
Mugatu: Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
Matilda: I became...
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?
Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
Hansel: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
J.P. Prewitt: Male models don't think for themselves.
Derek Zoolander: Yes they do!
J.P. Prewitt: No they don't.
Derek Zoolander: Okay!
Derek Zoolander: Pretty soon, they'll be reading *our* eugoogaly!
Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry that us models made you feel bad about yourself and throw up.
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man.
[wimpy, girly cough]
Derek Zoolander: Mer-*man*!
[after he pokes a girl with a pin]
Mugatu: Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
Mugatu: Oh, I'm sorry. DID MY PIN GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR ASS?
Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so rich he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell 'em to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
Derek Zoolander: Put a cork in it, Zane!
Mugatu: It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now!
Mugatu: Obey my dog!
[after spitting out and spilling some bad coffee all over his assistant]
Mugatu: Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
Protestor: Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too!
[after throwing Matilda into the street from Mugatu's spa]
Katinka: I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!
Katinka: I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.
Hansel: Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?
Hansel: Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!
Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander: Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.
Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?
Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
Meekus: Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay I knew that!
Meekus: Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you DIDN'T know it was a joke!
Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
Meekus: Earth to Brint...
Derek Zoolander: GUYS! Can we stop with the Earth tos!
Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda: That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
Derek Zoolander: Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
Hansel: The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?
[Derek glares at him]
Hansel: Nice Comeback! Ha ha.
[after being in a coal mine for a day]
Derek Zoolander: [high-pitched cough] ... I think I'm getting the Black Lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.
Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.
Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Hansel: You can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls.
Mugatu: [hypnotizing Derek] Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus and I'm here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!
Matilda: Derek that was unbelievable!
Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!
Matilda: Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
Derek Zoolander: Oh, right, cool.
Derek Zoolander: You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.
J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!
J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!
J.P. Prewitt: I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys... we're a different breed.
Derek Zoolander: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.
Derek Zoolander: A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?
Mugatu: Do as you are trained... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!
Hansel: I hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.
Maury Ballstein: You want an opinion? With a push-up bra you could have a nice rack of lamb up there.
Derek Zoolander: Hey kids, who wants to hear a story?
Derek Zoolander: How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?
Maury Ballstein: The designer's got your nuts in a vice! He's offering you three percent for every pair of underwear sold! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO!
Kids: Screw Him! Hold out for more!
Hansel: Trippin' on acid changed our whole perspective on shit!
Brint, Meekus, Rufus: [in unison] Orange Mocha Frappuccino!
Maury Ballstein: It's a casserole Sheila... it'll keep!
Derek Zoolander: Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
Derek Zoolander: Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.
Derek Zoolander: I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me...
Matilda: What are you talking about?
Derek Zoolander: OK, if you just want to fool around or...
Matilda: WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!
Derek Zoolander: [pointing to the small-scale model of centre] The centre has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Derek Zoolander: God?
Maury Ballstein: God? What the shit are you talkin' about. It's me, Maury.
Derek Zoolander: I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.
Larry Zoolander: How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see?
Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...
Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] ... we... get back on!
Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
(Announcer): ...for the past four years, male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-land-er.
[Derek slowly counts the syllables off on his fingers]