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I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams, Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Noelie Altito

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
Nancy Reagan, former First Lady

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Ken Dodd

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear
J.B. Morton

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
Paul Getty

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
Geri Jewell

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
Bill Vaughan

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
Rodney Dangerfield

I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.

People who never get carried away should be.
Malcolm Forbes

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

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